IVF Loss

I never knew pain can tear you apart but it happened to us. For almost 10 long years, we've waited for 2 lines on a pregnancy test, get pregnant and for the first time we did yet only for a moment. We carried them for a moment but leaves us their love which forever will be locked in our hearts. Getting back up is never easy and we're thankful to true friends, TTC sisters and most especially our family for understanding and respecting the pain we are going through. Picking ourselves up despite being heartbroken is not easy but we have to because we want to even if we have to do it all over again. Our loss has not defined us but it certainly changed us...(IG posted April 26)

For a time, our life stopped evolving and all we felt is a knife in our hearts on this very unfortunate event of our married lives. At first we were beyond happy and excited with all the baby steps we have had on our first IVF cycle.

I am a very impatient person and the two weeks wait (2WW) is just really a pain for me and so on my 6DP5DT, I gave in at 2:00 AM. This stubborn me secretly wake up in the morning, without telling her DH, and peed on a pregnancy test. Oh my God, for the first time in almost 10 years of trying to battle infertility, I saw a very faint second line on my pregnancy test. Still not believing, because just maybe my eyes are playing games on me, I went to bed worried, excited, oh, I don't know. I just sleep again but I can't anymore.

I wanted to try another test before telling DH I tested but since I am not used to lying on him I told him I tested and advised him to go look at my pregnancy test which I left at the washroom. He came back telling me he is seeing the second faint line too. I told him, according to what I am reading, this will get darker everyday to confirm pregnancy. And so, I tested again on my 7DP5DT and still came with a faint line.

I tested again on my 8DP5DT and 9DP5DT but both came with a second faint line on its 3-5 minutes window. I did not take picture of the two because I am scared and worried at that time. The happiness on 6DP5DT pregnancy test that I did slowly turns into agony because according to what I have read the second line must be darker everyday but if its showing faint lines then I may be suffering from a chemical pregnancy. I know I am not helping myself and so I stop testing and waited for my beta HCG which my Clinic requested. My sister even told me that even she has faint lines on her 2 pregnancies and that I stop worrying.

But then came the most painful part of our lives when the Clinic called and confirmed through my beta HCG the inevitable. We are at work when they called. I was trying my very best not to cry but I cannot bear the pain of losing our little ones and I kept crying on my work station. My DH has no choice at that time but to ask our supervisor that I'll be excused from work. The moment we reached our car, I cried so hard. I cried and cried at home. How can my body tricked me when all I have waited is a second line on my pregnancy test. We never had that but how come it is still not enough having 2 lines for 4 consecutive days. My nurse told me it is because of the ovidrel medication that I took. But that was 2 weeks lapse before I did my pregnancy tests.

I am so down. I cried for days that even my DH can no longer pacify me. I texted my parents with the sad news and tried calling them just to have someone to talk to but our signals are not cooperating. My mom texted me back and told me to be strong...but HOW??? I called my sister in Dubai and cried and cried with her over the phone. She told me that for as long as my period is still not showing, there is still hope. I tried reading on positive pregnancy tests and negative beta HCG and some end up having a miracle baby. I still have unexplained symptoms which I never felt before and so I cling unto them.

My clinic told me to stop all my medications so I can bleed naturally. On my day 30, before I went to sleep, I ask my DH I wanted our babies' iPod. I prayed and talked to them after 2 days of not talking to them (which I usually do from day 1 they were on my womb). I told them that my blood test says negative and that if they are no longer there, I pray they come out and let me bleed naturally. They know mama is in real pain but I also hope that they will help me with my pain and not hold on just because they are still with me. I cried myself to sleep with our favourite nursery rhyme for bedtime. And when I woke up and went to pee, I saw 2 thick menstrual blood on the toilet bowl. I cried again that time which prompted my DH to come see me in the washroom. I showed him the 2 thick bloods. My little ones gave me a sweet gesture before they finally said goodbye to us. It pains us a lot but knowing they listened to my request for the last time means so much to me. How we miss and love them so much. I usually bleed for 3 days only but on this cycle I have had a heavy bleeding for 6 days.

Thought You'd be Here by Wes King

I know too that my DH is heartbroken with our loss but I told him through a song that I know I cannot do anything with the pain he is going through because we are both devastated but I assure him of my love and that I am with him despite all the pain we are going through. I told him that the lyrics of the song is what exactly I wanted to tell him but cannot because I am mending my broken heart too. We cried and cried but still is not enough.

Just Running Late by Michael Taylorson

The 2 songs became my new nursery rhymes. I played them at work. I played them almost everyday because I wanted to overcome my pain through the songs but I know too this sad experience is different from any of my down moments.

I called my parents a week after the bad news. My DH did too to his. I never saw them so sad seeing me on this very unfortunate event. The 3 of us were crying and all I heard from them is to be strong. They know they cannot take away my pain but they told me I was born a fighter and I need to be strong, stronger if I may but we should never give up. I just felt more pain talking to them because I made them cry but I know too this will not be over not unless I remove the knife on my chest.

Every night when I sleep, I ask God, will we ever have a child? When do we say "stop" and just go on with our lives childless? I even told my DH, I am open now to adoption, just for us to have a child. We actually did check adoption procedures here in New Brunswick but it will cost us  a minimum of CAD20,000 when we do it and the child will not be an infant but at age 12-18 years old. We can adopt an infant but in another province of Canada or international and this will take 4 or more years.

In my mind, I do not want to do IVF again. I am so traumatized with our loss and I don't want to experience the pain all over again. I feel that my body has suffered so much with all the procedures, injections and medications that I went through for the past 10 years and I honestly cannot do it anymore. My DH told me, if I cannot do it again, he'll respect it but he hopes I find the will again to try one more shot. Even our parents and my sister told us to try again. My sister even offered to be a surrogate mom if worst comes to worst or even get pregnant for us and will adopt her baby. 

This gives me hope but I still pray for healing and acceptance as of this writing so I can find the will to do it again with all my heart. DH said, we can never bring them back but we have to cling on them as our angel babies that someday, one of them will come back when we do IVF again and be our little R. I know in my heart, I still wanted a child, its just that I am so scared of getting hurt again for the same reason but I know I will...somewhere inside me says I will and I can. I just know I have to go through the process of healing through God's grace. It is all what I am praying all night, that He heals me and trust the process even if I do not understand it.

We actually went back to the clinic last 11 May 2018 to know what happen and to plan for our next IVF. I requested for an immunology testing just to be sure I am not rejecting our embryo. I have a history on my fractured arm where they put braces on it but was removed after a year because my body is not accepting it and that I am still prone to infection. I am so delighted that my doctor knows what I am talking about and so on 14 May 2018, I did a complete repeat miscarriage test (RMT)  and a chromosome test (CT) for the both of us. The clinic took almost 20 vials of my blood for my RMT and 2 vials each for me and DH for our CT. I am scheduled for a hysteroscopy or biopsy of the lining of my uterus on the 28th day of May 2018. DH, on the other hand, had a SCSA DNA fragmentation test. All of these, except for my procedure, were sent to the US for testing and we shall wait for 3 months for all the results to come in before doing our second round of IVF. Enough time for us to be emotionally ready through God's grace.

DH and I had our first family picture framed and he bought me an urn necklace of a mother and child. We know we cannot put any ashes on them but only for their memory and that we know they will always be a part of us. The necklace came on Mother's Day.

To my angel babies in heaven, please know that you are terribly loved and missed by us. Nothing will ever change that you made me a mama and most especially made us parents in those few weeks we carried you. Your Tito Randel is surely taking good care of you both. When we do IVF again, please be with us and guide us in our journey.

We love you both before we knew you, even when there was just hope for the both of you, we have loved you. It has been my greatest experience to have the chance to carry you for 3 weeks and it was the happiest days of our marriage. Letting go and accepting we lost you will never be easy but we pray we overcome this pain and heal. Healing is all we need to stand and try again, we never knew we could miss someone we've never met but we do. mama and papa, loves you so much little ones. (IG posted April 8)

Transfer Day

*** I wrote this blog a week after our transfer but because of unfortunate event, I am posting this just now. ***

We have had our blastocyst fresh embryo transfer last 24 March 2018, my dad's 68th birthday, at 10:00 AM.

I was asked to stop all my medication on that day and to come to the Clinic with a full bladder. I was given an Ativan on that day prior to our transfer to relieve any anxiety. Oh, I needed that medicine, I was just so nervous, excited, teary eyed...I have had so many mixed emotions on that day.

Before going to the room, our embryologist and our nurse talked to us on our embryos. They told us that we only have 7 embryos left, the other 2 arrested and stopped growing. They went on to asked how many embryo/s to transfer. We thought from the beginning of our IVF cycle that we are only allowed to transfer one embryo because of my age, thus, the question of "how many" really comes to us as a surprise. We always wanted to have 2 children but because of infertility any number will do for the both of us. And so, on that little time we have had to decide, it was settled that we will transfer the 2 little cute embabies below. Also,one factor that helped us decide is that we have 5 more of our embryos to transfer just in case the inevitable happens.

They are so adorable. They are both strong at 3BB grade blastocyst even if the other one looks bigger because of its cavity. Our embryologist is even joking that the little one who is bigger is depicting a strong pose (just like mama, always ready for the camera, LOL).

My nurse then directed us to the same room where we did our retrieval. I was not put on IV or anything just the Ativan. With the help of an ultrasound probe which is placed on my abdomen, my doctor deposited our embabies on my uterus using a small transfer catheter as shown below:

I cried after our transfer. I could not contain my happiness at that very moment and so I cried. I am so happy I am carrying our little ones for the very first time. It feels so amazingly wonderful. We have waited for this moment for almost 10 years and on the 24th day of March 2018 we are leaving the Clinic with our little ones safely secured on mama's womb. God is really great. We are beyond happy.

Unfortunately, our Clinic called and told us that we no longer have any embryos for freezing. The 5 other embryos were arrested and stops growing on day 6. This has sadden us but we needed to put on a positive mind on our 2 embabies that we brought home and there is no way on that very moment can take the positivity on us despite the sad news.

DH and I opted to stay for 2 nights and 3 days in Moncton before we bring home our little ones home. I have known my DH to be very sweet and caring since day 1 of knowing him but throughout our IVF, he has been so extra sweet and caring. It's because he feels the same way too as I did.

Our first IVF will be over and done only if we hear heartbeats. Yeah, that is infertility, some couple will be happily announcing pregnancy if they have a positive pregnancy but ours is different. A heartbeat is all we need. So, on same day, even if I know I have a very good triple lining at more than 10 I started eating pineapple cores, avocados and hard boiled eggs to help our little ones stick on mama's womb and lots of soup viands. Oh, don't forget to wear socks. My friend google told me embabies wanted anything that is warm. Also, our daily music and movie from day 1 of our IVF cycle were replaced by nursery rhymes and cartoon and Disney movies.

As promised, below is our expenses on our first IVF cycle with ICSI. The medication is only at 20% which we paid and the other 80% is paid by our insurance.

TOTAL EXPENSES FOR OUR 1ST ROUND OF IVF WITH ICSI CAD14,107.47

We are not yet applying for New Brunswick's special assistance for infertility treatment as they will only assist for a maximum of CAD5,000.00 in the procedure and medication alone. If you add up the both of them on excel I provided above, it will only sum up to CAD9,639.77. A little short for the CAD5,000.00 assistance. Thus, the Clinic told us to wait for the result of this cycle but of course hoping for the best that our little ones stick.

My DH and I are very thankful we have come this far on our infertility journey through IVF with ICSI and that this memorable experience of bringing home our little ones home is the best of the best of all the wonderful blessings God has given us. We will not trade our happiness that we are feeling right now with anything. We prayed for them for so long. Our love for each other has been tested overtime because of our struggle to conceive but at this very moment we are beyond happy and grateful. Thank you dear Father God.

Retrieval Day

*** I wrote this blog a week after our transfer but because of unfortunate event, I am posting this just now. ***

After doing all our IVF stimulations to grow my follicles and produce more of them, it is time for the next step on our IVF cycle.

As written on my last blog post, we did our trigger shot last 17 March 2018 and stopped all my medications after that in preparation for our retrieval day which we did after two days.

On 19 March 2018, I was asked to take 1 tablet each of Medrol, Amoxil and Flagyl on an empty bladder and that we need to be at the Clinic at exactly 7:30 AM. My DH is allowed to accompany me, thus, we were then directed to a room with our lab gowns where the nurse gave me a tablet of Ativan. My nurse put me on IV and started administering oxygen and intravenous. A machine is on my side for monitoring of my blood pressure, pulse and oxygen level throughout the retrieval. I was then told that I was being injected, through IV, with Cefoxitine antibiotic, Versed for relaxation throughout retrieval and Fentanyl to help control the pain.

We started our retrieval at around 9:00 AM with my nurse, my embryologist, and my doctor. During our last scan, I have had 20 follicles on my ovaries. On retrieval day, my doctor collected all follicles on my left and right (yes, my right decided to fall for retrieval) ovaries and went directly to my embryologist who is the one counting (out loud, LOL) eggs on the follicles. We collected 10 eggs out of the 20 follicles. My nurse explains that inside the follicles, sometimes there will or will not be eggs on it. Thus, the number. DH and I were so happy with our eggs number.

After the retrieval, they transferred me in a room where I can sleep and recover from my procedure. That is the time where I felt all the drowsiness brought about by all the medications they gave me.

I am a little bit in pain because of the water on my ovaries. I have a mild OHSS caused by all the stimulations I did before retrieval. I was asked to drink lots of gatorade so as to help me pee and naturally remove the water on my ovaries. Also, orange juice to prevent infection. My nurse told me that if and when the water is still there on transfer day, the transfer may be cancelled and they have no choice but to freeze first our embryos and wait 2 months, at most, for my body to heal.

I slept for more than an hour in the recovery room. While I was asleep, my DH went on for his sperm collection. We are doing IVF with ICSI, thus, we went home super happy knowing and thinking our egg and sperm cells are meeting for the very first time not on the disc but directly with each other through ICSI just like the photo below:

Done with our retrieval. We went home with many medications in store for me such as Medrol, Amoxil, Flagyl and Aspirin. I have to start progesterone 2 days after retrieval. So many medications. What I did, I put everything on my alarm clock so it will just remind me to take this meds and that meds at this time. 

Anyway, we are not yet done, our IVF journey becomes harder as we level up and, yes, there will be more calls after that and this time it is not how many follicles are growing but the development of our embryos. I have had three calls from the clinic after retrieval:

Day 1: 9 Eggs were fertilized naturally

Day 2: 9 Eggs still growing with the below number of cells:

• 1 - 3 cells
• 4 - 4 cells
• 2 - 5 cells
• 2 - 6 cells

Day 3: 9 Eggs growing strong with the below number of cells:

• 1 - 5 cells
• 2- 6 cells
• 1 - 7 cells
• 3 - 8 cells
• 1 - 10 cells
• 1 - 15 cells

And since, our embryos our doing good in the lab, our clinic scheduled our transfer on Day 5 after retrieval. This is it, we are doing our embryo transfer, not on Day 3, but on a blastocyst stage of our embryos. We are beyond happy with all these baby steps we have accomplished. We are so thankful with our Father God for all the guidance He gave us in our very first IVF. We will not reached this far without Him by our side. Thank you dear Father God.