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| I never knew pain can tear you apart but it happened to us. For almost 10 long years, we've waited for 2 lines on a pregnancy test, get pregnant and for the first time we did yet only for a moment. We carried them for a moment but leaves us their love which forever will be locked in our hearts. Getting back up is never easy and we're thankful to true friends, TTC sisters and most especially our family for understanding and respecting the pain we are going through. Picking ourselves up despite being heartbroken is not easy but we have to because we want to even if we have to do it all over again. Our loss has not defined us but it certainly changed us...(IG posted April 26) |
For a time, our life stopped evolving and all we felt is a knife in our hearts on this very unfortunate event of our married lives. At first we were beyond happy and excited with all the baby steps we have had on our first IVF cycle.
I am a very impatient person and the two weeks wait (2WW) is just really a pain for me and so on my 6DP5DT, I gave in at 2:00 AM. This stubborn me secretly wake up in the morning, without telling her DH, and peed on a pregnancy test. Oh my God, for the first time in almost 10 years of trying to battle infertility, I saw a very faint second line on my pregnancy test. Still not believing, because just maybe my eyes are playing games on me, I went to bed worried, excited, oh, I don't know. I just sleep again but I can't anymore.
I wanted to try another test before telling DH I tested but since I am not used to lying on him I told him I tested and advised him to go look at my pregnancy test which I left at the washroom. He came back telling me he is seeing the second faint line too. I told him, according to what I am reading, this will get darker everyday to confirm pregnancy. And so, I tested again on my 7DP5DT and still came with a faint line.
I tested again on my 8DP5DT and 9DP5DT but both came with a second faint line on its 3-5 minutes window. I did not take picture of the two because I am scared and worried at that time. The happiness on 6DP5DT pregnancy test that I did slowly turns into agony because according to what I have read the second line must be darker everyday but if its showing faint lines then I may be suffering from a chemical pregnancy. I know I am not helping myself and so I stop testing and waited for my beta HCG which my Clinic requested. My sister even told me that even she has faint lines on her 2 pregnancies and that I stop worrying.
But then came the most painful part of our lives when the Clinic called and confirmed through my beta HCG the inevitable. We are at work when they called. I was trying my very best not to cry but I cannot bear the pain of losing our little ones and I kept crying on my work station. My DH has no choice at that time but to ask our supervisor that I'll be excused from work. The moment we reached our car, I cried so hard. I cried and cried at home. How can my body tricked me when all I have waited is a second line on my pregnancy test. We never had that but how come it is still not enough having 2 lines for 4 consecutive days. My nurse told me it is because of the ovidrel medication that I took. But that was 2 weeks lapse before I did my pregnancy tests.
I am so down. I cried for days that even my DH can no longer pacify me. I texted my parents with the sad news and tried calling them just to have someone to talk to but our signals are not cooperating. My mom texted me back and told me to be strong...but HOW??? I called my sister in Dubai and cried and cried with her over the phone. She told me that for as long as my period is still not showing, there is still hope. I tried reading on positive pregnancy tests and negative beta HCG and some end up having a miracle baby. I still have unexplained symptoms which I never felt before and so I cling unto them.
My clinic told me to stop all my medications so I can bleed naturally. On my day 30, before I went to sleep, I ask my DH I wanted our babies' iPod. I prayed and talked to them after 2 days of not talking to them (which I usually do from day 1 they were on my womb). I told them that my blood test says negative and that if they are no longer there, I pray they come out and let me bleed naturally. They know mama is in real pain but I also hope that they will help me with my pain and not hold on just because they are still with me. I cried myself to sleep with our favourite nursery rhyme for bedtime. And when I woke up and went to pee, I saw 2 thick menstrual blood on the toilet bowl. I cried again that time which prompted my DH to come see me in the washroom. I showed him the 2 thick bloods. My little ones gave me a sweet gesture before they finally said goodbye to us. It pains us a lot but knowing they listened to my request for the last time means so much to me. How we miss and love them so much. I usually bleed for 3 days only but on this cycle I have had a heavy bleeding for 6 days.
I know too that my DH is heartbroken with our loss but I told him through a song that I know I cannot do anything with the pain he is going through because we are both devastated but I assure him of my love and that I am with him despite all the pain we are going through. I told him that the lyrics of the song is what exactly I wanted to tell him but cannot because I am mending my broken heart too. We cried and cried but still is not enough.
The 2 songs became my new nursery rhymes. I played them at work. I played them almost everyday because I wanted to overcome my pain through the songs but I know too this sad experience is different from any of my down moments.
I called my parents a week after the bad news. My DH did too to his. I never saw them so sad seeing me on this very unfortunate event. The 3 of us were crying and all I heard from them is to be strong. They know they cannot take away my pain but they told me I was born a fighter and I need to be strong, stronger if I may but we should never give up. I just felt more pain talking to them because I made them cry but I know too this will not be over not unless I remove the knife on my chest.
Every night when I sleep, I ask God, will we ever have a child? When do we say "stop" and just go on with our lives childless? I even told my DH, I am open now to adoption, just for us to have a child. We actually did check adoption procedures here in New Brunswick but it will cost us a minimum of CAD20,000 when we do it and the child will not be an infant but at age 12-18 years old. We can adopt an infant but in another province of Canada or international and this will take 4 or more years.
In my mind, I do not want to do IVF again. I am so traumatized with our loss and I don't want to experience the pain all over again. I feel that my body has suffered so much with all the procedures, injections and medications that I went through for the past 10 years and I honestly cannot do it anymore. My DH told me, if I cannot do it again, he'll respect it but he hopes I find the will again to try one more shot. Even our parents and my sister told us to try again. My sister even offered to be a surrogate mom if worst comes to worst or even get pregnant for us and will adopt her baby.
This gives me hope but I still pray for healing and acceptance as of this writing so I can find the will to do it again with all my heart. DH said, we can never bring them back but we have to cling on them as our angel babies that someday, one of them will come back when we do IVF again and be our little R. I know in my heart, I still wanted a child, its just that I am so scared of getting hurt again for the same reason but I know I will...somewhere inside me says I will and I can. I just know I have to go through the process of healing through God's grace. It is all what I am praying all night, that He heals me and trust the process even if I do not understand it.
We actually went back to the clinic last 11 May 2018 to know what happen and to plan for our next IVF. I requested for an immunology testing just to be sure I am not rejecting our embryo. I have a history on my fractured arm where they put braces on it but was removed after a year because my body is not accepting it and that I am still prone to infection. I am so delighted that my doctor knows what I am talking about and so on 14 May 2018, I did a complete repeat miscarriage test (RMT) and a chromosome test (CT) for the both of us. The clinic took almost 20 vials of my blood for my RMT and 2 vials each for me and DH for our CT. I am scheduled for a hysteroscopy or biopsy of the lining of my uterus on the 28th day of May 2018. DH, on the other hand, had a SCSA DNA fragmentation test. All of these, except for my procedure, were sent to the US for testing and we shall wait for 3 months for all the results to come in before doing our second round of IVF. Enough time for us to be emotionally ready through God's grace.
DH and I had our first family picture framed and he bought me an urn necklace of a mother and child. We know we cannot put any ashes on them but only for their memory and that we know they will always be a part of us. The necklace came on Mother's Day.
To my angel babies in heaven, please know that you are terribly loved and missed by us. Nothing will ever change that you made me a mama and most especially made us parents in those few weeks we carried you. Your Tito Randel is surely taking good care of you both. When we do IVF again, please be with us and guide us in our journey.
I am so down. I cried for days that even my DH can no longer pacify me. I texted my parents with the sad news and tried calling them just to have someone to talk to but our signals are not cooperating. My mom texted me back and told me to be strong...but HOW??? I called my sister in Dubai and cried and cried with her over the phone. She told me that for as long as my period is still not showing, there is still hope. I tried reading on positive pregnancy tests and negative beta HCG and some end up having a miracle baby. I still have unexplained symptoms which I never felt before and so I cling unto them.
My clinic told me to stop all my medications so I can bleed naturally. On my day 30, before I went to sleep, I ask my DH I wanted our babies' iPod. I prayed and talked to them after 2 days of not talking to them (which I usually do from day 1 they were on my womb). I told them that my blood test says negative and that if they are no longer there, I pray they come out and let me bleed naturally. They know mama is in real pain but I also hope that they will help me with my pain and not hold on just because they are still with me. I cried myself to sleep with our favourite nursery rhyme for bedtime. And when I woke up and went to pee, I saw 2 thick menstrual blood on the toilet bowl. I cried again that time which prompted my DH to come see me in the washroom. I showed him the 2 thick bloods. My little ones gave me a sweet gesture before they finally said goodbye to us. It pains us a lot but knowing they listened to my request for the last time means so much to me. How we miss and love them so much. I usually bleed for 3 days only but on this cycle I have had a heavy bleeding for 6 days.
Thought You'd be Here by Wes King
I know too that my DH is heartbroken with our loss but I told him through a song that I know I cannot do anything with the pain he is going through because we are both devastated but I assure him of my love and that I am with him despite all the pain we are going through. I told him that the lyrics of the song is what exactly I wanted to tell him but cannot because I am mending my broken heart too. We cried and cried but still is not enough.
Just Running Late by Michael Taylorson
The 2 songs became my new nursery rhymes. I played them at work. I played them almost everyday because I wanted to overcome my pain through the songs but I know too this sad experience is different from any of my down moments.
I called my parents a week after the bad news. My DH did too to his. I never saw them so sad seeing me on this very unfortunate event. The 3 of us were crying and all I heard from them is to be strong. They know they cannot take away my pain but they told me I was born a fighter and I need to be strong, stronger if I may but we should never give up. I just felt more pain talking to them because I made them cry but I know too this will not be over not unless I remove the knife on my chest.
Every night when I sleep, I ask God, will we ever have a child? When do we say "stop" and just go on with our lives childless? I even told my DH, I am open now to adoption, just for us to have a child. We actually did check adoption procedures here in New Brunswick but it will cost us a minimum of CAD20,000 when we do it and the child will not be an infant but at age 12-18 years old. We can adopt an infant but in another province of Canada or international and this will take 4 or more years.
In my mind, I do not want to do IVF again. I am so traumatized with our loss and I don't want to experience the pain all over again. I feel that my body has suffered so much with all the procedures, injections and medications that I went through for the past 10 years and I honestly cannot do it anymore. My DH told me, if I cannot do it again, he'll respect it but he hopes I find the will again to try one more shot. Even our parents and my sister told us to try again. My sister even offered to be a surrogate mom if worst comes to worst or even get pregnant for us and will adopt her baby.
This gives me hope but I still pray for healing and acceptance as of this writing so I can find the will to do it again with all my heart. DH said, we can never bring them back but we have to cling on them as our angel babies that someday, one of them will come back when we do IVF again and be our little R. I know in my heart, I still wanted a child, its just that I am so scared of getting hurt again for the same reason but I know I will...somewhere inside me says I will and I can. I just know I have to go through the process of healing through God's grace. It is all what I am praying all night, that He heals me and trust the process even if I do not understand it.
We actually went back to the clinic last 11 May 2018 to know what happen and to plan for our next IVF. I requested for an immunology testing just to be sure I am not rejecting our embryo. I have a history on my fractured arm where they put braces on it but was removed after a year because my body is not accepting it and that I am still prone to infection. I am so delighted that my doctor knows what I am talking about and so on 14 May 2018, I did a complete repeat miscarriage test (RMT) and a chromosome test (CT) for the both of us. The clinic took almost 20 vials of my blood for my RMT and 2 vials each for me and DH for our CT. I am scheduled for a hysteroscopy or biopsy of the lining of my uterus on the 28th day of May 2018. DH, on the other hand, had a SCSA DNA fragmentation test. All of these, except for my procedure, were sent to the US for testing and we shall wait for 3 months for all the results to come in before doing our second round of IVF. Enough time for us to be emotionally ready through God's grace.
DH and I had our first family picture framed and he bought me an urn necklace of a mother and child. We know we cannot put any ashes on them but only for their memory and that we know they will always be a part of us. The necklace came on Mother's Day.
We love you both before we knew you, even when there was just hope for the both of you, we have loved you. It has been my greatest experience to have the chance to carry you for 3 weeks and it was the happiest days of our marriage. Letting go and accepting we lost you will never be easy but we pray we overcome this pain and heal. Healing is all we need to stand and try again, we never knew we could miss someone we've never met but we do. mama and papa, loves you so much little ones. (IG posted April 8)
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